I never see anything like this country, before. Imagine the likeness: how person go chop yam finish, come rub the oil for my mouth, then, come claim say na me chop the yam? That one nor be complete wickedness, be that?
Na truly yesterday, I see olopa for dem really colour gan, I swear. As go-slow hook we for Ikorodu Road, na him I notice say people gather for one corner for front, like that. As I just de wonder wetin happen, wey cause that kind holdup, one jankara motor wey resemble shalanga house, from nowhere o, one hurry pass, for inside holdup again. Habaaah, how person wan’ do that kind magic? Some of these we Naija people de craze gan!
Wetin I hear for my back bombah na, “gbosaaah”! Katakata dun burs’ be that ni o. Before I open door come down, one man like this, wey rezemboo praying mantis, just jump down, begin hala. I look the man. I come re-look am again. Mscheeew. Him nor fit belleful dog sef. Yeye de smell.
Wetin I see next na person wey waka go my car door – upon all the hala, wey him de hala for on top my head – dip hand, wan’ commot key for my ignition, to seize my key o. Ah-ah! I come de think for inside my head gan, sake of say na this yeye man, with him jankara motor come hit my bombah, as I siddown for my motor, jejeje. Him tear my side bombah, hala put and now, him wan’ seize my car key, again. See me, see bad thing with naked neck o! This one na too much provoke nah. Lagos people go do shakara sotayyy, dem nor go kuku sabi when the something dun pass gauge.
Na him I hook am, kwaam. “You de craze?” Me, I come hala my own back. As him turn wan’ face me, I quack am with my left leg, come push am. Nor be say na better push sef, wey belleful, na small thing, like this. Wetin I see next just fear me ni. Shay I dun first tell una say this man rezemboo praying mantis? Na him I see something wey fly for air go dump for onoda corner, like heap of mad man rag. Shuoh! Even parachute sef never fly like this before o.
As I re-look make I see whether my eye see correct, nor be person wey de shake for ground, gara-gara like fowl wey dem just slaughter finish I see? Jesus is Lord! Na which kind wahala come be this na? Wetin I do now wey this kind wahala come look finish, for the whole long of Ikorodu Road, na me one him come see? Make una see me bad thing with naked neck o. Ah-ah!
People come re-gather for we head. Those when been dey for the other crowd come join we own crowd. Some de curse, others want burn my motor sef, sake of say I dun kill person. Meanwhile, dem nor even get idea wetin happen. Some even waka go find olopa, make I for nor escape. Shuoh! Escape ke. Escape, from where, to where? For that kind holdup? Lagos people really de craze, nor be small.
Some rush go de find pure water to pour the bagga, as him leggo for ground, still de shake gara-gara for the hot sun. Dem pour am water, pour am water, sotayyy, one big bag of pure water come finish, before the yeye man come stretch neck, stagger up like duck-fowl wey swallow stubborn lizard. As everybody see say the man dun wake, na him the pure water boy come meet me. Him say, “Oga, wey my money?”
Me, I come shout for him head, “You de craze, abi I buy market for ya hand?” About six people, for the crowd, shout back for my head, at the same time, “Give the boy him money jor, you dun kill person finish, now na small boy money you wan’ chop, again. Mental man!”
Hmmm, when wahala wan’ burst, him de get pikins plenty o. Quick-quick, I dun find tiri hundred naira, give the small boy. May be, as I do that small saraah, God go mercy me, small. For wiah? Na that time olopa just de march come, kurukere, kurukere, with people wey go call am. God dun butter him bread finish, come sugar am, so.
“My friend, wey de person wey you kill?” Olopa come de shout, as him de arrive. Person wey I kill? ‘E come be like say na this olopa man sef, wey craze pass everybody for that crowd. Person wey I kill, who tell am say I kill person? From where him take see that one? Chai, man dun chop cow shit.
Before you know wetin de happen, him dun open door, enter my car and siddown, kwaam, like say na him buy the car for me. Him come de shout, “Oya, wey de man wey dem kill? Oya, enter for back…oya-oya…you be evidence now o…enter, make we de go station. Mr. Man, oya enter ya car and drive!”
Meanwhile, onoda two “witness” come enter, come join the man wey dem say I kill, for back and my car come full, come tight, kakaraka and everywhere come de smell like that animal wey de waka for only night. Jehovah Jireh! How I manage drive that car commot for that go slow, that day, sotay come reach station, I nor fit explain. Na only the olopa man sabi as him take clear road for make we pass. Him nor even ask the jankara man wey suppose to dun die, where him own car dey.
As we reach station, all the olopa dem eye, come de chuke. Business dun land! The corprah when carry us come, come go salute the sergeant for desk, first. Dem talk small, then him enter inside for to go see the oga patapata, as them de rumour say, ‘e be like say him dey around. Opari. My wahala wan’ start to begin, be that.
Small time, the corprah come surface with handcup, come de waka come with onoda sergeant, de come for where dem siddown us for cement-bench. The sergeant come shout, “Eheh, where that criminal? You go hear word today-today. Na so una go de waka, de kill people about, for town.”
Before I fit for pronounce long word like, ‘Igodomigodo’ finish, the sergeant dun fire one hot slap for my face, ‘iwayaah’! “Ah-ah! Wetin I do nah?” One boot just land for my yansh, ‘gbuah’. “Shut up, criminal! Oya, Corprah, handle him.”
Quick-quick, the corprah dun produce the handcup and the next thing I see be say Federal Bangle land for my two wrist, kpakam! The sergeant come shout, “Oya, where the evidence man, the man wey dem kill?” As the sergeant fire one dirty slap for him face, I fear say the yeye man want die, as him fall for ground, yakata. But that one sweet my belle, small. As the sergeant come gi’am one dangerful kick with him boot, the baggah just fly up, straight! Shege. Olopa baad, gan.
Dem come commot we shirt, commot we belt and shoe dem, for counter. Old boy, na cell dem push we de go enter so o. Meanwhile, I nor even know as the two “witness” when follow us come from Ikorodu Road, take vamoose from the station. As water wan’ pass garri so and jungle come mature, nobody come tell deaf and dump man again say market dun full reach ground, remain. The next thing, na olopa charge sheet fly commot, for to take change black into white.
…to be continued.