Make I tell una true eh, I been dun vex patapata, before. Lest we forget, abi na how dem de take talk am again, since my mama born me for my papa, I never see this kind slap, lai-lai. Because why, man pikin go fire onoda man wife this kind slap, ee-twai-twai-twai, anyhow, backhand and front-hand? Say wetin happen? Now, that one dun pass, like all Naija matter and we dun move on, tukeh-tukeh-tukeh, like say nothing happen.
Isorite. Me self, na sin-a-tor I want to be now. Original, babanla, slap-and-go one o, like all those kill-and-go MOPOL and soja dem. Sake of make I de beat up and slap anyhow, especially fine-fine sisi dem wey nor fit do jack and wey dem husband or boyfriend nor even smell ordinary counselor, talk less of member of House.
I dun de warm up, de mobilise, now. Na him I say make I go take small lesson from my friend wey be member of House. I come ask am wetin ‘e go cost to run for election, sake of say, sometime, dem fit gather money for me, for village.
My friend come look and re-look me sotayyy, him burst out begin laugh. I swear, I never hear that kind laugh for my life before. The guy laugh me like five minutes sotay, tears full all him eye, before him fit breath sef. Him head nearly fall off from him shoulder.
“Ah-ah, na wetin de make you laugh like mad man, so?” I come ask am.
After some time, the man come gather himself, small. Then, him come ask me whether I dun collect salary for the month, t’abi whether I dun chop breakfast sef?
This time around, na my turn to de look am, whether him head dun begin de touch. Wetin my salary or breakfast get to do with gathering money from my village people, to take run election? In fact, as I stand de look am so, I begin de see am say him head dun de touch pass Nepa wire. But my guy come begin to demonstrate for me say na me, gan, my head de touch.
Wetin me I sabi? Nor be politics – carry this one, chop that one, like person wey de play chacha card? Hmmm, but finally, I wrong pass rabbit wey run enter trap. As my man begin de talk, de mention all the million-billion wey dem de take buy election vote, na him my jaw just drop for my head, yakata. Million-billion, ke! No wonder my friend want die for laugh. For how my people want take see that kind money? True-true, dem never see banga with fish take chop starch, for breakfast, na million-billion dem want see?
Chai! So, na from where the slapping sin-a-tor dem come see all dem million-billion, wey dem take buy election na? Oya, ask me again, you hear? So, after persin spend million-billion, why him eye nor go hot pass University of Allen dem suya? Why him nor go de slap persin wife anyhow, back and front? Wharrahel, why him nor go buy up all the condom for sex-toy shop, take protect him firing pin from getting injury, for war-front? Naansense! Make everybody take him time o.
I say na sin-a-tor I want be now – who nor like better thing? Slap soft, yellow cheek, anyhow; even sef, slap succulent, yellow yansh, join. All una hypocrite wey de complain, de jealousie my sin-n-ator friend, una own fit pass slap sef. But if any sin-a-tor carry himself, waka go punch the wetincall, gan, with him Weapon of Mass Destruction, (WMD) my hand nor dey o. Ask oyinbo wey say African science nor de work, wetin magun take him eye see for Russia side. The thing just gum am like rat-gum, kpakaah! Dan burauba!
Nor take poor man play for that area o. As him nor kuku get money, him must to get other things for all-round protection, like insurance company. And him must to get plenty children, especially boys, in case matter want end for blow-by-blow, so dem go fit do Nuremburg trial and justice, together, for that persin head.
For poor man wife matter, the fear of magun, is the beginning of wisdom. I be sin-a-tor nor reach there, lai-lai. If you venture, you jam block, be that. But you fit slap dem face and even yansh sef, anyhow, especially if dem dey for shop, where dem de do shop-geh work.
Even sef, I hear say the Slapping Sin-a-tor (SS) sabi the main sales geh for that shop where him de buy Nnabuenyi Cap, gan; say him fit close eye sef, draw the map of the babe back-axle, sake of say him dun slap am sotayyy, na him get the territorial integrity of the yansh.
Chai, sin-a-tor work de sweet o – free salary, free drinks, free house, free car, free fuel, free Mohawk hairstyle, free bleaching cream, free agbada and suit, free jeans and T-shirt, free sneakers, with cap; free Nnabuenyi Cap, free nepa, free water, free air, even sef, free yansh-slapping! In fact, na senior K&G sin-a-tor I want be, now.