“My Parrot Want Do Emu-Esi-Cee!”

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Nor be small tory I want knack una so o. All of us dun de gather since, de do meeting, de put we head together for how we go take do this Igbo presidency matter, come 2023. Nothing we never think since. We think go up o, think come down o, na the same thing and 10 pence. Nobody want hear of Igbo president o, even for year 5000, sef. Opari.

Nor be him my friend, Gaius from Isiekenesi come raise hand for the meeting, say him get solution for this Igbo president matter. Isorite. Shay una know the meaning of Isiekenesi, bah? E mean, six python head. Jehovah Jireh! When python head come join-join reach six, for one body, nor be die so? Wallahi, as them tell me the meaning of the name, I nearly pick race commot from the meeting. Six python head, ke!

Anyway, wetin our man get to say? Trust Igbo man with high, over-sense. As him raise hand, nor be him he talk say him get one kind serious parrot so, wey knack oyinbo pass English man sef. Eh-heh? Wetin parrot get to do with this matter now?

“Make una cool down, make I blow una gist,” Gaius come halla.

Toh, as him come figure am, when cunny man die, na only cunny man fit bury am. Now, according to the new presidential formula, persin nor need cerfiticate to crown am president. And if you get ordinary affidavid sef, you dun enter finish, so far dem crown you president. But the complicated matter inside be say if you like, get doctor plus affidavid join, once ya name sound like Okoro, na automatic disqualificate. How for do na?

Our man na original smart cookie. The matter tie like rope, so therefore, if dem nor accept Igbo man, dem fit accept any replacement, so far that replacement can fit to read and write English, well. Nor be him our man begin de train him parrot for speak English since tiri years and something now. Now, him say even the Queen sef go bow for this parrot when she hear him English. Wonderful!

Him say all the money when him de sell for him shop, him dun spend am for this parrot head, sake of make him learn book well, well, in case of incasity, as Igbo man matter de always get jamlog. So that if affidavid nor catch, grammar go catch. And if finally dem say na Igbo president him go ask dem whether parrot na Igbo man. You nor see high sense, plus over-sense all join together?

Na true o! Parrot nor be Igbo persin, but na Southeast zone go produce am so na Igbo son be that, in a way. But at the same time, him nor get anything to do with Igbo sha, as na bird him be. Okay now. Grammar nko? Na seselense! The owner come talk say the parrot dun go far and when him open him mouth, we go all know say khaki nor be leda. Plus to join the affidavid wey him dun swear for am down, the parrot dey university de do Master degree sef. Him dun finish Bachelor, put for pocket. So anyhow, anyhow, him must to enter. Everything dun complete.

Immediately, everybody begin clap for this bobo and drink begin flow like water. Shay una see brain work? We do the celebration galore sotayyy, midnight nearly reach and everybody come tire for enjoyment and sleep sef come de hover for we eye. Na him one rugged, onoda Igbo man come raise hand say him want talk something. Hah, wetin again o?

The baba come ask us say all this celebrate wey we de celebrate so, we dun see the parrot, life? What if after all this commotion e come be say nothing like parrot, or if when we see the parrot him nor fit be wetin the whole Nigeria want, nko?

Onoda bobo come vex gan. Him come shout: “Wetin dem want again, abi na we blokoss we want cut-cut off, give then?”

We come begin calm everybody down until dem gree say we go gather again for morning when dem go bring the parrot, life. As na student, him go dun sleep, by now.

For early mor-mor, we all come gather again and dem bring the parrot come. Fine, quiet parrot. Him just de look us, we de look and re-look am, but him nor follow anybody talk at all. So Baba come fire am question, “Dem say you de do Master, M.Sc. for university?”

Parrot come speak up: “Yeah, yeah, I’m doing Emu-Esi-Cee now.”

Emu what? Chai! Baba come halah gan: “This na Igbo parrot ke and dem nor go accept am lai-lai, even if him get like five master, plus doctor, join, like Mugabe, so far him de speak Igbo-English. Why you nor take am give oyinbo man to train am when him small?”

Overtake come overtake Igbo man sense. Him get correct idea but where him want cut corner, save money, him come de teach the parrot by himself. So now, parrot dun get Igbo accent, upon all him grammar, plus cerfiticate and affidavid. Opari. Nothing for Lagbaja again o. Emu-Esi-Cee, kor, Oguro-Ogogoro, nii.

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