In fact, na small-small something can fit vex person anyhow. Every time, I just de wonder how e be say person nor even reach two pieces, him go talk say make dem cut am into tiri or even four pieces, sef. Haba!
Nor be small thing o. One fine-boy-no-pimples for we area dun tay wey him say him must to do society marriage, no matter wetin happen. Isorite. Nor be him old boy begin save-save for everywhere. Sotay, even for inside him socks for inside house, him de save small-small kobo-kobo, join the main, the main savings wey him get for differen-differen bank dem. Everybody dun advice am tire say make him cut him coat according to him size but, for wiah?
Meanwhile, for company where him de work, dem dun owe them salary tire, since last year. So when our man close from work for late evening, instead him go, go take better rest for house, him go carry him motor go de do kabukabu for town. I never see this kind curse before o. Sake of person want do big ceri-money for him wedding, him want kill himself. God forbid bad thing!
Even that him fiancée, one shoe or handbag, him never ever buy for am. Sometime sef, na guguru with groundnut dem go both chop, drink water, then go sleep. Sake of what? Dem want do wedding with big, big ceri-money. Dem want imitate dem big-big men pikin dem. Ah-ah, na by force? In fact, before-before, dem been plan say na party, from the wedding day, till onoda day, the next day. Then after that, holiday for Dubai, straight!
Hahaha, dem been first talk am say when dog want die, him nor de hear him owner whistle, again. How for do, nau? Everybody dun talk tire, advice tire, come kuku leave the matter for, “is auright”. So na siddown look everybody come dey, de look snake with wetin him dun chop full mouth, come kuku longside for corner.
Nor do, nor do, nor be him small-small rumour come de enter we ear say, e be like say one new sickness dun catch Shinese dem, come from there de tour the whole world. Oti o! How sickness want turn to tourist again, come de do world tour? Hmmm, the next thing, gbagaah! Everywhere for news come de ring say people dun de die troway like fly for Italy o, Iran o, even London and America sef. Na wah o. Nor do, nor do, dem say the sickness-tourist dun kuku arrive Naija. Opari! Before you say Jack, come add Robinson join am, government come declare say no more gathering of people, no party, echetaram, echetaram. Even sef, the worst, no church. Meanwhile, as God go catch our friend reach, na this time around him come fix him both traditional and church wedding, after him dun save and save and save and nearly save him pooh sef.
Now, alarm dun blow. Our friend dun distribute card finish and everybody come de wait for the day proper. Come see card! I here say the card alone, na over tiri hundred kay. Hm, bride dress dun arrive from London since, plus including groom and bestman suit, with all the bridesmaid dem. Na as everywhere begin de make ritiriti for this wedding of the millennium, na him this sickness-tourist come pafuka everything – no movement, everywhere na lockdown, jamlock.
Even sef, as dem be church people and ‘no tasting’ of wetincall before “I do”, na lockdown for that side, too. And nobody even get idea when this sickness-tourist go finally have mercy and vamoose. So na lockdown, jamlock, till kingdom come, abi na wetin? Na which kind wahala come be this double-wahala nau? As wedding nor go happen soon, make person nor kuku stretch body again? This is over-serious, ke. Shay be if dem do normal wedding, dem for dun forget about the wedding tay. But now, person wey nor kuku get money, want do big ceri-money.
Last weekend, one of we colleague say make him go visit our groom-to-be, to find out how far. As him reach the house, himself come enter big wahala, too. Body fall the guy nor be small. Sotay, na rope from him woman skirt him de take hold trouser now – this one dun pass belt power. Bobo dun lean, stretch neck like ostrich, sake of thinking. As dem stay small, him woman beg we friend make him helep dem carry am go hospital. Him dun become God-sent.
Quick-quick, dem all enter motor, begin drive go hospital. As dem arrive hospital, old boy nor fit come out from car o. No power to even answer question sef. Na him nurse go call doctor come. Doctor come stand from farrr, look and re-look am well-well, before him fire the first question. Already, nurse been dun take temperature and tell doctor say the thing been take style high, one kind.
So, as him try open mouth to answer doctor question na, waah, waah, waah, everywhere, with vomit. Na him everybody scatter. Even sef, na doctor first fly like rocket, as him stethoscope fall troway from him neck. Nurse nko? Even we friend plus iyawo and everybody scram, gan. As one person come shout, “coro” join, nobody wait again. Coro ke! Even we friend nor even remember him car again. Whether him go test negative or positive, nobody want hear. Who wan’ die?
Illustration: Courtesy, globalnews.ca