Chai! This we Nigeria dun finally jagajaga, as my friend, Eedris Abdulkarim take sing am, tay-tay, like say nor be this same Nigeria wey we been de take chicken leg do chewing-stick for early morning. Now, things hard sotay, na yawn-yawn everybody de yawn now, like all those ekuke dogs dem, wey full we banks dem, de pretend say dem be police dog. Police dog, ke.
The one wey de wonder me pass, na my friend, Omoruyi, alias, Omo. Before-before, Omo nor de mistake near boxing ring o, because dem fit mistake him belle for punching bag. The Omo wey me I sabi before-before, if you see am yawn, him dun tank beer like 10 bottles, de find where him go lie down and pass out like tiri, or four hour.
Nor be him I say make I visit Omo for him house, last week, make we for manage that kin’ one-one bottle, as things dun strong, gan, after all, ‘e dun tay, man nor see. First of all, for doormoth, I see one baba wey resemble Omo, wey him hair dun white pass Oga Wole Soyinka him own. Nor be him I come dobale, greet am:
“Good evening, sir.” The man just de look me, mueeh. Ah-ah. I salute am again. Sometime, him nor hear well, you know these old people.
“Good evening, sir. Oga abeg, Omo dey house?”
“Thunder fire ya mouth, there!”
Finally, as the man come talk, na him I recognize him voice say na Omo be that! Jisos of Umunede, wetin come happen? I been think say na him most senior brother be that, ke. I been de talk of white hair, him come carry biah-biah full face. Wallahi, this can’t be Omo. As I recover my voice, na him I come ask am say, “Old boy, how far na?”
Before him answer, him dun yawn like tiri times. In fact, nor need for answer again, sef. Sotay, before we talk like one minute, him dun yawn like 10 times. Him average rate of yawning nowadays, na like 10 times, per minute. Now, we dun change him nickname from Omo, to “Ten by One” – ten yawns per one minute. Na secret, we de secret call am so ni o. If him hear am for ya mouth bite you, my hand nor dey o. And I sure say the condition wey Ten-by-One dey now, ‘e better make ekuke dog kuku bite person than this chap, sha.
Honestly, this Nigeria dun wear cap sha, as things dun bad reach. Nowadays, if you wan’ wake me from sleep, na time you de waste o. Unless you bring boiling water, because if you sprinkle me with cold water, all go join the dream. I go think say na poolside I dey, de swim for Federal Palace Hotel, of those days. Ah, I remember the good old days, when Nigeria, be Nigeria, when we still de spend kobo with naira, unlike now when dem de only write am for book, de deceive we self, say kobo still de exist and we de spend am.
So, na that kind dream, man de always dream, nowadays, say I dey poolside, de sight better view dem, with Club Sandwitch and Chapman for my side-stool. When that one finish, na Metro Cinema, straight, to go watch film. Enjoyment galore! Sotay, ordinary dog for house sef, na life of enjoyment for am. I remember my friend him papa dog, Simba. Original lazy, big-man dog, gan. By the time we return home for early morning, ordinary to shake tail sef, de hard am – him dun chop, fallah-fallah.
Nowadays, human being never see chop, e come remain ordinary dog? Common N10 to buy mallam biscuit, plus onoda N5 for pure water, to take wash am down, take deceive belle, where you go see am? Unless person want thief, be that. Those kind snack, nowadays, na from like N100 up, ni o. Jisos! Na God save Simba say dem nor born am today Nigeria. Yeye dog, wey sabi do big man, pass him owner. Him for hear oba!
The other day, I see wonder for wedding party. One opeke wey dress to kill, carry one big ghana-must-go, follow body. She just de rock like say na her boyfriend get the whole town. Meanwhile, any corner wey dem de share something, she go surface for there and anything dem bring – rice o, eba o, santana o, salad o, bottled water o, pure water o, serviette o, minerals o – na inside that bag, straight.
I de look, de re-look this fine woman from my corner, my mouth nor fit close. I nor understand, at all. Alright, she fit get small-small pickin dem for house, wey go need to chop, anyhow. But serviette, nko o, shay pickin dem go chop that one, too? You see yourself now? If this kind one get opportunity to take enter Government House, (like some of them take do some years ago) nor be to roll rug wey dey for floor carry go, when him tenure expire? Which kin’ hunger, as hungry man angry reach, him fit chop serviette?
Now, shay una see where we problem dey so? Nor be say Nigeria poor, or anything but say some people wan’ collect everything wey belong to everybody, like say everybody, na nobody and only dem be somebody. Every four-four years, dem go carry one wuruwuru man follow body, say na election umpire. That one go do him own government magic, jegajaga everything, chop clean mouth, then vamoose into thin air. Meanwhile, na we wey dem catch mugu de fight, de kill each other, de hungry for nothing. As far as me, Olorogun, is consine, whether you call them Aspirin o, or Phensic o, all dem na headache these politicians dem, de give us for this country, every four-four years, wallahi.